The Chili Project, part 1

OK, first off, I'm not much of a cook. I did some cooking when I was younger, then went into the military, after which my cooking skills turned towards screwing up a Thanksgiving turkey and macaroni and cheese turned to soup (and yes, smart ass, I followed the directions). After that, pretty much every woman I was with had some sort of cooking skills that were better than mine, so I was content to let them cook (and no, that wasn't a part of the future-ex-Mrs Sharkboy-job description, it just worked out that way). The reason for letting them do the cooking was not out of some sexist idea that a woman's place is in the kitchen, but out of basic survival (both personal and financial). The latest ex-Mrs. Sharkboy was a damn good cook. I'll miss that.

So, she leaves me to go with Mr-I'd-rather-play-WoW-than-get-a-job, and I'm stuck now having to learn how to cook. Which, really, isn't so bad. When you do the cooking yourself, you have total control over what gets made. So no deep-fried foods (hear that? that's the sound of my arteries hardening just typing this), and no gross stuff like fried clams or liver or other assorted stuff I'm pretty sure we were never meant to eat. So, I'm trying to learn to cook. If I were smart, I'd start small and work my way up to the bigger stuff, but I've never claimed to be smart. "Oh, roast duck with mango salsa, you say? No problem, I'll get right on that". Never mind that I've never had much to do with a duck outside of feeding them bread at a park. Which of course leads me to finding out that cooking shows are full of shit. Those people cook with stuff I'll never have in the kitchen. I'm a guy, which means I improvise. Don't have a hammer? The handle of a screwdriver will work. Need a screwdriver but can't find one? A butter knife! Need to screw that together but lack the screws? Forget about it, duct tape will work. You get the idea.

A friend of mine, however, LOVES to cook. He's always telling me about one thing or another that he's cooking or has cooked. So about a week ago, he tells me about this chili he made. It's almost all I heard about, so eventually, it sinks in: "Hey, I'LL make some chili, that will be a great idea!" Yeah, it ranks up there next to the roast duck. I attempted split pea soup awhile back and while it turned out ok, it wasn't all that great. I know, we're our own worst critics, but I love a good split pea soup, a connoisseur if you will. And trust me, it wasn't that great. But it was edible. So I guess that's something. So, after another bit of talk about how good this chili of his was, I finally break down and ask for the recipe (I'm not so totally stupid as to not have a blueprint I can at least half ass pay attention to). I get it down in Sharkboy-speak, which is to say, I know what it says at the time of writing, but after a good night's sleep, all bets are off. But being the good friend he is, he said he was a phone call away if I needed it. And I did.

So I take the recipe, figure out what I have on hand (which is nothing), and what I'll need to buy at the store (which is everything). I also realize that I don't have all the proper tools, including the pot, thanks to ex-Mrs.Sharkboy. So I'll need to buy that stuff too. Which, I guess, is OK, since I'm sure I'll need it for something else down the line. Get the food stuff at Safeway, the rest at Wal-mart (the latter I hate with a passion). So, here's a few thoughts:

While in Safeway, I see two versions of the same vegetables. One says "Organic" on the labels. What is the difference? Other than price. Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't all vegetables "organic"? If "organic" means "without pesticides", why not just label it "pesticide free", or "bugs will eat this version first"? I'm pretty sure it's a scam on all those tofu eating hippy bastards. Good, I'm all for that. "Make love, not war". Let me tell you something, man boils down to this: "fuck it or kill it". If we can't "make love" to it, we will "make war" on it. I think you can figure out what's needed for world peace. Ladies, feel free to contact me if you'd like to start doing your part towards this.

OK, now for Wal-mart. I hate this store, period. And my local one isn't helping things. These smacktards decide to take a store where you can actually find stuff, and remodel it into a store that you can't find shit, not even an employee to help you. I don't think the employees are lazy so much as I think they're lost along with the customers. Going in there is sort of like the show Lost. Only without polar bears. Or crazy hatches. Or hotties. Ok, maybe not so much like Lost. But it is without a doubt the worse cluster fuck since George W. being elected not once, but twice. I buy the stuff I need, including a Hamilton Beach/Proctor Silex Food Chopper. Sounds good, right? Let me tell you, this didn't chop shit. It pureed it. And yes, smart ass, I used the lowest setting.

You see, when I cut food into chunks, I end up cutting it like a crack-addicted, retarded monkey would, no matter how carefully I try. This is why I need a food chopper. So, I read the book, and is says "for onions, green peppers, etc, cut into one inch chunks". One small problem with this: If I've already taken the time to cut it down that small, why bother with the food chopper? Why not just take a few seconds more and cut them to the size you need. The whole idea behind a food chopper is so that I don't have to chop the food by hand. It's like buying a calculator, but in order to get it to work, you have to do the math by hand.

So, right now, the chili is cooking, and I'm hoping against hope that it's edible. Which will be part 2.