It's time to move, to a new location, a new start. Though I hate moving, I can't wait. This move will allow me to cleanse the detritus of our broken and decayed relationship out of my life, that you left behind when you moved out.
So I go through the remainder of our stuff, this pile mine and going on with me, that pile yours, to be dropped off at your house. At first it's easy: Your stuff is merely the shit I had no interest in then, and I have no interest in now; My stuff is all the stuff that is mine, that I care about. But then came the pictures, the cards, the letters.
At first, that is easy. All the pictures that came from times before either of us knew each other went to their respective owners. Christmas with my dad to me, high school pictures of you and your friends to you. But then came the pictures of our time together. How do I divvy those up? By keeping this one, do I take away from you any pleasure of remembering that moment? By leaving that one, do I signal that I no longer give a damn what you do with your life? How do you divide a life so entertwined? I don't know how you'd do it, but I went with what I thought our daughters might like to have. Pictures of a little slice in time when, despite everything that life had arrayed against us, we had found a little pocket of happiness. When the beauty had found the beast, and the beast thought that maybe everything would turn out happily ever after, after all.
As I divided those, I felt a pang of loss and regret. With each picture, I remember the things we said to each other, the promises made. You promised you would always be there, that you would never leave. Do you remember what I said about promises? I said, "Never make any promises you can't keep, because promises are made to be broken."
You said "Not mine, I always keep my promises." You lied.
Then came the letters and the cards. My first instinct was to simply throw them away. Damning evidence, should the girls ever decide to read them, and I thought that maybe it was something they should never see. Then I decided that first, I would read them for the laugh they surely contained. "I will love you always"...."Always yours"...."I'm so glad that you put up with me"...."I know we will be happy, no matter what life throws at us"....You lied.
I decide that maybe I should just keep them, create a coffee table book titled "Book of Lies", and I would paste all your letters, cards and notes inside and leave it there for any who cared to find it. Maybe someday, when no one had heard from me in days, weeks, months, they'd come around to find out why. And they'd find my body and wonder what happened, and the only thing they'd find is that book, the "Book of Lies". And they'd read it and read it, and they'd piece the puzzle together and then they'd know what I'd known all along. You lied.
I'm not sure I'll make a book. That seems like giving you too much credit. Why should you be celebrated, when you're really nothing greater than anyone else in this wretched, miserable existence? Like everyone else, you know nothing of going the distance, of hanging in there, of making an effort. Like everyone else, you make empty promises and emptier commitments, because like everyone else, you can't see beyond your own self-serving bullshit. No, no book to raise you above the mediocrity of humanity. Instead, I'll just leave it for the girls, our lovely daughters, to read, so that they can find out for themselves the truth of the matter.
You lied.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Send in the Clones....
OK, it's been an incredibly long time since I last posted a blog. Since the last blog, I still have not seen the movie "300", I've started school, and got an ipod. That's right, I'm now a part of the ipod clone army. I tried to resist, I tried to hold out, I tried to be the last vestiges of hope for humanity. But alas, it was not meant to be. Resistance, as they say, is futile.
Honestly though, it wasn't for lack of trying. It would seem that every company that makes an mp3 player was dead set against me buying their product. What's that you say? How can a company be against me buying their product? Simple. Make sure their product is incompatible with my computer system. You see, I'm still running Windows 2k Pro. It's been stable, I haven't had any trouble with it, and Windows XP just wasn't impressive enough for me to upgrade. I need more from my OS than a pretty face. XP was like that really pretty girl who gets disfigured in a car accident. Oh sure, she was a hottie and you'd give your left nut to be with her, but when her looks were taken away by that horrible accident, there really wasn't much there to begin with. That coupled with the horror stories of legal copies locking up, and I just wasn't going to upgrade.
Now we have Vista, and yes, I'll be upgrading since support for Win2K is going to be going out the window here soon. I'm just waiting for the first service pack to fix alot of the release bugs. So, I need to find an mp3 player that is compatible with my system. Every mp3 player I looked at was incompatible with Win2K (aside from the ipod, which is), even the Zune, Microsoft's stupid entry into the mp3 player market. Oh, it looks cool, seems to do a lot of cool stuff the ipod does and even some it can't, until you read the fine print. They lock the music down tight. This is supposedly to help prevent pirating. The funny thing about the efforts to stop piracy, is that it seems to be doing it in a backwards fashion. Apparently, piracy is stopped when you stop good, law-abiding citizens from being able to do anything with their music other than look at it sitting on a table. Except they pretty much miss the point, in that criminals really aren't going to care about the laws and will still find a way to pirate music and movies. Meanwhile, as the pirating continues unabated, those who follow the rules pretty much are the only ones suffering.
Case in point: Awhile back, I bought the Velvet Revolver CD. The thing cost me nearly $25. First off, someone tell me why we're paying upwards of $20-25 for a CD that costs only a fraction to make? Back in the 1990s, it cost roughly $4 to make each CD. That same $4 paid for the royalties to the band, the CD artist, the disc and the jewelcase, among other stuff. So consider that a CD made at those prices is being sold at a 4-500% markup, and the artists see none of that money. And the record companies are complaining that the artists are getting ripped off and harmed by music pirating? Given that today's technology makes creating a CD even cheaper, that price increase gets bigger. I'm not saying it's cool to pirate music (well, ok, some music is ok to pirate, say for instance, Avril Lavign or Justin Timberlake, some music just isn't worth the price), but if the record companies are that worried about their artists getting ripped off, maybe they should start taking a look at themselves. But I digress.
Velvet Revolver CD. Never been able to listen to it on my computer. When I try, it comes out garbled, the interface that launches when I insert it loads but doesn't work, giving me a message to go to some site, for which there's nothing there to help me with my problem, and it puts something on my computer, that I'm not aware it's doing. Pardon me, but isn't that a lot like spyware? No matter what I've done, it never plays on my computer. What the fuck? Oh, it seems there's something on the CD to help prevent piracy. So I, Good Citizen, honestly purchase said CD, but I'm automatically limited as to what I could do with it? That's bullshit. Oh, and can I point out that while I was unable to use my LEGAL copy on my computer (where I listen to the vast majority of my music), I was able to illegally download every track off that album. I was forced to resort to illegally downloading it, even though I paid for a copy. Makes me wonder why I spent $25 in the first place.
So, I'm uploading music to the ipod, and I try uploading this CD. The songs are garbled. I can't even upload my legal copy to my own ipod. I found the way around it, and it now resides on my ipod, without the funky garbling. I won't say how, other than, don't let it autoplay. Probably works for other CDs that do the same. This, then, was the only problem I encounterd with the ipod.
Which leads me to a short review about the ipod: I now cannot live without it. I take it everywhere, unless I'm with my kids. I'm still uploading CDs to it (everyone of them legal, I might add), though I'm almost at the end, and I'm not even going to bother uploading my entire CD collection to it. I'm not sure how to tell how many albums are on there, but at last count (over a week ago), there was something like 30 albums on it. I have the black 30 GB model, only 7 GB is taken up by my music. I love that I put in on shuffle and then leave it alone. With nearly 2.1k songs, I've yet to hear a repeat. I can't even begin to fathom taking along that many CDs everywhere I go. There's something warm and fuzzy about knowing that a good portion of my CD collection is there and waiting, for whenever I feel like listening to it, all in a small, compact form.
The things I hate about the ipod is this: the headphones and the fact that no charger comes with it, for those times when I'm not around my computer. For the price of the damn thing, you'd think Apple would have included at least a plug in charger. No, instead, I'll have to purchase that seperately. I also hate that there are games taking up space on it. Why do you need or want games on your ipod? There is one, called music quiz, or something, that is actually pretty cool, and is quite addicting. When you play it, it plays snippets of songs that you've loaded on your ipod, and then gives you a list. You have a short timer to choose which one it is, and as time counts down, it removes titles. Depending on how fast you choose depends on how many points you get. Not sure if there's a point at which you lose, never got that far, but I did rack up a pretty impressive score.
So, if you want a good mp3 player, get the ipod. Sure, you'll be a clone, but at least your supporting a company that tries to incorporate more than just the latest fashions in technology.
Honestly though, it wasn't for lack of trying. It would seem that every company that makes an mp3 player was dead set against me buying their product. What's that you say? How can a company be against me buying their product? Simple. Make sure their product is incompatible with my computer system. You see, I'm still running Windows 2k Pro. It's been stable, I haven't had any trouble with it, and Windows XP just wasn't impressive enough for me to upgrade. I need more from my OS than a pretty face. XP was like that really pretty girl who gets disfigured in a car accident. Oh sure, she was a hottie and you'd give your left nut to be with her, but when her looks were taken away by that horrible accident, there really wasn't much there to begin with. That coupled with the horror stories of legal copies locking up, and I just wasn't going to upgrade.
Now we have Vista, and yes, I'll be upgrading since support for Win2K is going to be going out the window here soon. I'm just waiting for the first service pack to fix alot of the release bugs. So, I need to find an mp3 player that is compatible with my system. Every mp3 player I looked at was incompatible with Win2K (aside from the ipod, which is), even the Zune, Microsoft's stupid entry into the mp3 player market. Oh, it looks cool, seems to do a lot of cool stuff the ipod does and even some it can't, until you read the fine print. They lock the music down tight. This is supposedly to help prevent pirating. The funny thing about the efforts to stop piracy, is that it seems to be doing it in a backwards fashion. Apparently, piracy is stopped when you stop good, law-abiding citizens from being able to do anything with their music other than look at it sitting on a table. Except they pretty much miss the point, in that criminals really aren't going to care about the laws and will still find a way to pirate music and movies. Meanwhile, as the pirating continues unabated, those who follow the rules pretty much are the only ones suffering.
Case in point: Awhile back, I bought the Velvet Revolver CD. The thing cost me nearly $25. First off, someone tell me why we're paying upwards of $20-25 for a CD that costs only a fraction to make? Back in the 1990s, it cost roughly $4 to make each CD. That same $4 paid for the royalties to the band, the CD artist, the disc and the jewelcase, among other stuff. So consider that a CD made at those prices is being sold at a 4-500% markup, and the artists see none of that money. And the record companies are complaining that the artists are getting ripped off and harmed by music pirating? Given that today's technology makes creating a CD even cheaper, that price increase gets bigger. I'm not saying it's cool to pirate music (well, ok, some music is ok to pirate, say for instance, Avril Lavign or Justin Timberlake, some music just isn't worth the price), but if the record companies are that worried about their artists getting ripped off, maybe they should start taking a look at themselves. But I digress.
Velvet Revolver CD. Never been able to listen to it on my computer. When I try, it comes out garbled, the interface that launches when I insert it loads but doesn't work, giving me a message to go to some site, for which there's nothing there to help me with my problem, and it puts something on my computer, that I'm not aware it's doing. Pardon me, but isn't that a lot like spyware? No matter what I've done, it never plays on my computer. What the fuck? Oh, it seems there's something on the CD to help prevent piracy. So I, Good Citizen, honestly purchase said CD, but I'm automatically limited as to what I could do with it? That's bullshit. Oh, and can I point out that while I was unable to use my LEGAL copy on my computer (where I listen to the vast majority of my music), I was able to illegally download every track off that album. I was forced to resort to illegally downloading it, even though I paid for a copy. Makes me wonder why I spent $25 in the first place.
So, I'm uploading music to the ipod, and I try uploading this CD. The songs are garbled. I can't even upload my legal copy to my own ipod. I found the way around it, and it now resides on my ipod, without the funky garbling. I won't say how, other than, don't let it autoplay. Probably works for other CDs that do the same. This, then, was the only problem I encounterd with the ipod.
Which leads me to a short review about the ipod: I now cannot live without it. I take it everywhere, unless I'm with my kids. I'm still uploading CDs to it (everyone of them legal, I might add), though I'm almost at the end, and I'm not even going to bother uploading my entire CD collection to it. I'm not sure how to tell how many albums are on there, but at last count (over a week ago), there was something like 30 albums on it. I have the black 30 GB model, only 7 GB is taken up by my music. I love that I put in on shuffle and then leave it alone. With nearly 2.1k songs, I've yet to hear a repeat. I can't even begin to fathom taking along that many CDs everywhere I go. There's something warm and fuzzy about knowing that a good portion of my CD collection is there and waiting, for whenever I feel like listening to it, all in a small, compact form.
The things I hate about the ipod is this: the headphones and the fact that no charger comes with it, for those times when I'm not around my computer. For the price of the damn thing, you'd think Apple would have included at least a plug in charger. No, instead, I'll have to purchase that seperately. I also hate that there are games taking up space on it. Why do you need or want games on your ipod? There is one, called music quiz, or something, that is actually pretty cool, and is quite addicting. When you play it, it plays snippets of songs that you've loaded on your ipod, and then gives you a list. You have a short timer to choose which one it is, and as time counts down, it removes titles. Depending on how fast you choose depends on how many points you get. Not sure if there's a point at which you lose, never got that far, but I did rack up a pretty impressive score.
So, if you want a good mp3 player, get the ipod. Sure, you'll be a clone, but at least your supporting a company that tries to incorporate more than just the latest fashions in technology.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Iranians Outraged over the movie 300....OMFG
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17599641/?GT1=9145
This article basically says that Iranians are whining over the movie "300", based on the graphic novel of the same name by Frank Miller (also of Sin City and Dark Knight Returns fame). They claim that it wages war on Iran, insults their history and culture, and shows them in a bad light. For those who don't know, "300" depicts a possible version of the Battle of Thermopylae, which occurred around 480 BC, in which a force of 300 Spartans held off a huge Persian army in a mountain pass for a few days.
Here's what bothers me about all this. First off, why the hell are we getting upset over a Hollywood movie? Because it's not accurate, they claim. Well, no shit Sherlock. Hollywood movies seldom are. Accuracy isn't Hollywood's job, it's entertaining us. If I want historically accurate, I'll read the damn book, where the author can spend more time developing, foreshadowing and showing the connections between events. Anyone who gets their history from a Hollywood production is a dumb ass. Same with anyone who gets their philosophy from the same source (yes, there is a spoon, and if you don't stop spouting off about all this lame ass philosophical crap you got from watching the Matrix, I'm going to show you just how real it is when I stab you with it).
Secondly, the same guy that wrote "300" wrote "Sin City", a massively successful comic to movie adaptation. When "Sin City" made all that money, it was only natural for the Hollywood powers that be to start looking for the next Frank Miller property to turn to celluloid gold. What else is Frank Miller famous for? Hmmm, well, let's see. Oh, there's Dark Knight Returns", which almost single handedly was responsible for reviving interest in the Batman franchise. That's cool, except Warner Bros. has always held the license for Batman since, oh, ages ago. They've got that pretty much wrapped up. There's other stuff, but I'm not going to go in the direction. Instead, let's stay with "300". It has everything a Hollywood blockbuster needs: big battles. You can stop there, because Hollywood did (I haven't as yet seen the movie, so I don't know where exactly Hollywood stopped, but it's a good bet that when they got that far into the comic, they were about busting a nut over it, assuming they looked at any part of the comic beyond the big battle).
Finally, what the hell is up with this trend in movies being all about making people hate another group? I saw the "Passion of the Christ" when it was in theaters, and you know, I didn't come out of there hating the Jews. Jesus Christ was a Jew, did you know that? Seems if you're hating the Jews, you're hating Jesus, as well. I saw "Fahrenheit 451", and trust me, I hated Bush that much before I went in seeing that movie. But to be fair, I hate Michael Moore just as much.
To be honest, if the Iranians are going to be hatin' just because of this movie, shouldn't England be hatin' for just about every movie we've ever made? "The Great Escape" starred Steve McQueen, an American, as the hero with a supporting cast of English actors, this despite the fact that the event portrayed in the movie didn't involve Americans at all (omg, Hollywood was historically inaccurate back then? the nerve!). Then, there are the Star Wars movies, in which the bad guys run around with British accents (except Vader, who ran around with the voice of a black guy). I mean, really, where do we draw the line here?
Seems to me, Iran is just looking for a reason to start a war with the U.S. OK, that's fine, do what you want. But if you're going to start a war, at least do it over something cool. Not some dumb Hollywood movie. Hell, if it helps, I'll take a page from Homer's "Iliad" and come and steal your leaders favorite wife, or whatever. Then you can go to war over love and defending her honor and all that other stuff that was so great for starting wars once upon a time. But if you want to start a war over a movie from studios whose major concern isn't historical accuracy, then I'll be all for turning your country into a super Wal-mart.
(Please note: Sharkboy doesn't hate Iranians, he hates idiots. If you're an idiot and Iranian, then that is purely coincidental).
This article basically says that Iranians are whining over the movie "300", based on the graphic novel of the same name by Frank Miller (also of Sin City and Dark Knight Returns fame). They claim that it wages war on Iran, insults their history and culture, and shows them in a bad light. For those who don't know, "300" depicts a possible version of the Battle of Thermopylae, which occurred around 480 BC, in which a force of 300 Spartans held off a huge Persian army in a mountain pass for a few days.
Here's what bothers me about all this. First off, why the hell are we getting upset over a Hollywood movie? Because it's not accurate, they claim. Well, no shit Sherlock. Hollywood movies seldom are. Accuracy isn't Hollywood's job, it's entertaining us. If I want historically accurate, I'll read the damn book, where the author can spend more time developing, foreshadowing and showing the connections between events. Anyone who gets their history from a Hollywood production is a dumb ass. Same with anyone who gets their philosophy from the same source (yes, there is a spoon, and if you don't stop spouting off about all this lame ass philosophical crap you got from watching the Matrix, I'm going to show you just how real it is when I stab you with it).
Secondly, the same guy that wrote "300" wrote "Sin City", a massively successful comic to movie adaptation. When "Sin City" made all that money, it was only natural for the Hollywood powers that be to start looking for the next Frank Miller property to turn to celluloid gold. What else is Frank Miller famous for? Hmmm, well, let's see. Oh, there's Dark Knight Returns", which almost single handedly was responsible for reviving interest in the Batman franchise. That's cool, except Warner Bros. has always held the license for Batman since, oh, ages ago. They've got that pretty much wrapped up. There's other stuff, but I'm not going to go in the direction. Instead, let's stay with "300". It has everything a Hollywood blockbuster needs: big battles. You can stop there, because Hollywood did (I haven't as yet seen the movie, so I don't know where exactly Hollywood stopped, but it's a good bet that when they got that far into the comic, they were about busting a nut over it, assuming they looked at any part of the comic beyond the big battle).
Finally, what the hell is up with this trend in movies being all about making people hate another group? I saw the "Passion of the Christ" when it was in theaters, and you know, I didn't come out of there hating the Jews. Jesus Christ was a Jew, did you know that? Seems if you're hating the Jews, you're hating Jesus, as well. I saw "Fahrenheit 451", and trust me, I hated Bush that much before I went in seeing that movie. But to be fair, I hate Michael Moore just as much.
To be honest, if the Iranians are going to be hatin' just because of this movie, shouldn't England be hatin' for just about every movie we've ever made? "The Great Escape" starred Steve McQueen, an American, as the hero with a supporting cast of English actors, this despite the fact that the event portrayed in the movie didn't involve Americans at all (omg, Hollywood was historically inaccurate back then? the nerve!). Then, there are the Star Wars movies, in which the bad guys run around with British accents (except Vader, who ran around with the voice of a black guy). I mean, really, where do we draw the line here?
Seems to me, Iran is just looking for a reason to start a war with the U.S. OK, that's fine, do what you want. But if you're going to start a war, at least do it over something cool. Not some dumb Hollywood movie. Hell, if it helps, I'll take a page from Homer's "Iliad" and come and steal your leaders favorite wife, or whatever. Then you can go to war over love and defending her honor and all that other stuff that was so great for starting wars once upon a time. But if you want to start a war over a movie from studios whose major concern isn't historical accuracy, then I'll be all for turning your country into a super Wal-mart.
(Please note: Sharkboy doesn't hate Iranians, he hates idiots. If you're an idiot and Iranian, then that is purely coincidental).
Monday, March 12, 2007
Of Pills and Preparations.....
About three weeks ago I was moving stuff from my home to the storage shed. I had the music going (Tool, natch), rocking out and just generally getting into a rhythm. As I was doing this, I turned to grab a large box, and instead, hit it just right, so that it bent my wrist horribly. It hurt like hell, but I figured it would be OK and I kept going. Fast forward to today, and it still hurts like hell, so I figure something has to be wrong. I decide to go to the doctor, who gives me a prescription for the pain, tells me to wear a wrist support and to go have x-rays done.
I take the x-rays, but won't know the results quite yet, because the town I live in is behind the times.
My Town: "What's that?"
Company: "It's a machine that allows you to see x-ray results immediately. It's really quite efficient and handy."
My Town: "That's the devil's handiwork, oh foul witch! Grab this foul sorcerer that we may burn him upon the stake!"
Yeah, it's that bad. Actually, it's worse, but I refuse to type how backwards they speak, lest it somehow infect me and I begin to speak the same. Nevertheless, the x-rays were done without a hitch. The problem comes when I head back to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. When you go in, you know they're going to ask you if you'd like a pharmacist to go over the prescription with you. My ex was (is) a nurse, so I just let her explain it to me, if it was needed. Well, now she's gone but I'll give her a call if I need to. No such luck.
I don't get the option, I have to. I won't bore you with the details, other than to say that it's a pain killer that has nasty side effects. So here's my rant:
Why the hell doesn't the pharmaceutical industry spend some money on developing drugs without harmful side effects? Let me get this straight: I take this pill, and my pain will go away, but I'll be drowsy, have acid indigestion, stomach aches and cramps and diarrhea? Where do I sign up?
Personally, it sounds like a scam. The pill doesn't really do anything for pain, it just gives you a host of other problems which will for sure take your mind off the pain. It's really hard to be worrying about pain when you're worrying about making it to the bathroom in time. Thanks, but if it's a choice between hurting and shitting my pants, a little pain never killed anyone.
And now, for something a little different. I thought about putting this first, but I don't want my blog coming to be known as some idiot's adventure in cooking shit. Still, it's something I'm particularly proud of, so I'll share it.
Last night, I made my first corned beef brisket. It came out melt in your mouth good. It was delectable! I've decided that I think I like cooking, it's the preparation I hate.
I take the x-rays, but won't know the results quite yet, because the town I live in is behind the times.
My Town: "What's that?"
Company: "It's a machine that allows you to see x-ray results immediately. It's really quite efficient and handy."
My Town: "That's the devil's handiwork, oh foul witch! Grab this foul sorcerer that we may burn him upon the stake!"
Yeah, it's that bad. Actually, it's worse, but I refuse to type how backwards they speak, lest it somehow infect me and I begin to speak the same. Nevertheless, the x-rays were done without a hitch. The problem comes when I head back to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. When you go in, you know they're going to ask you if you'd like a pharmacist to go over the prescription with you. My ex was (is) a nurse, so I just let her explain it to me, if it was needed. Well, now she's gone but I'll give her a call if I need to. No such luck.
I don't get the option, I have to. I won't bore you with the details, other than to say that it's a pain killer that has nasty side effects. So here's my rant:
Why the hell doesn't the pharmaceutical industry spend some money on developing drugs without harmful side effects? Let me get this straight: I take this pill, and my pain will go away, but I'll be drowsy, have acid indigestion, stomach aches and cramps and diarrhea? Where do I sign up?
Personally, it sounds like a scam. The pill doesn't really do anything for pain, it just gives you a host of other problems which will for sure take your mind off the pain. It's really hard to be worrying about pain when you're worrying about making it to the bathroom in time. Thanks, but if it's a choice between hurting and shitting my pants, a little pain never killed anyone.
And now, for something a little different. I thought about putting this first, but I don't want my blog coming to be known as some idiot's adventure in cooking shit. Still, it's something I'm particularly proud of, so I'll share it.
Last night, I made my first corned beef brisket. It came out melt in your mouth good. It was delectable! I've decided that I think I like cooking, it's the preparation I hate.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
The Chili Project, part 2
OK, the chili is done. The kids apparently liked it, though they drowned it in cheese. The ex-Mrs.Sharkboy and her son liked it. Well, I don't know that he liked it, she said he had some on his hot dog, which is how they had it. And there's something deeply satisfying about that, and I'll tell you why. Thanksgiving 2006, the kids are supposed to be home (we have joint custody, 50/50), but they were over at their mom's for the first part of the day (since she had to work that evening). As they were getting ready, they were asked who was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and they said "Dad is", to which they got laughter and some rude comments that I forget (I only know about this because it really bothered them and they told me about it). Now, I'm sure that part of that was because they're vindictive, mean spirited jack holes, but part of it isn't.
The one and only time I ever cooked a turkey pre-2006, it was a disaster. I followed what I thought were the directions (plus a phone call to my mother, which at the time was not something I ever cared to do). When it was time to pull it out, it smelled great. It looked great. All nice and golden brown, the way a Thanksgiving turkey should. But when I stuck the fork in, ready to carve a huge slice, it crumbled. Apparently, the golden brown skin was a cruel joke. But, being that it was in Los Angeles at the time, there was no shortage of places to go, so all was not lost. That and subsequent cooking disasters had me swearing off doing anything more than what could be microwaved. Fast forward to Thanksgiving 2006, and the food turned out far better than their moms, a fact they gleefully took pains pointing out. Remember, she's a damn good cook. Topping that was nothing short of awesome.
Since our separation, she has made it known here and there, in indirect ways, that she does not believe me capable of providing healthy meals for my children, much less anything else. So, I'm sure it comes as quite a shock when the kids aren't eating Kid Cuisine and corn dogs all the time. On the contrary, they actually have healthy, home cooked food. They have the other stuff from time to time, mostly when I don't have enough time to cook anything else, or am too tired (something all parents know about, I'm sure). I'm sure it's even more of a shock that I actually cooked it, and not heated it up from a can. Made from scratch, beeyotch!
OK, sorry, I'm a little full of myself in that once again, I have not only proven that I can make it without her (never called her for cooking help once), but that I pull off a marvelous chili recipe (even if the recipe came from a friend). This chili, however, is the first thing of mine she's ever tasted since she left. So now she has confirmation, and if that doesn't shut her up, nothing will.
So yeah, the chili came out really good, and my youngest daughter even took some with her for her lunch tomorrow. Without cheese. So, will I ever make this stuff again. No. That's what I'd like to say. The reality is, yes, I will, but it will probably be when I forget this whole fiasco. Or I get a food chopper that actually chops food instead of pureeing it (what a concept o.o).
The one and only time I ever cooked a turkey pre-2006, it was a disaster. I followed what I thought were the directions (plus a phone call to my mother, which at the time was not something I ever cared to do). When it was time to pull it out, it smelled great. It looked great. All nice and golden brown, the way a Thanksgiving turkey should. But when I stuck the fork in, ready to carve a huge slice, it crumbled. Apparently, the golden brown skin was a cruel joke. But, being that it was in Los Angeles at the time, there was no shortage of places to go, so all was not lost. That and subsequent cooking disasters had me swearing off doing anything more than what could be microwaved. Fast forward to Thanksgiving 2006, and the food turned out far better than their moms, a fact they gleefully took pains pointing out. Remember, she's a damn good cook. Topping that was nothing short of awesome.
Since our separation, she has made it known here and there, in indirect ways, that she does not believe me capable of providing healthy meals for my children, much less anything else. So, I'm sure it comes as quite a shock when the kids aren't eating Kid Cuisine and corn dogs all the time. On the contrary, they actually have healthy, home cooked food. They have the other stuff from time to time, mostly when I don't have enough time to cook anything else, or am too tired (something all parents know about, I'm sure). I'm sure it's even more of a shock that I actually cooked it, and not heated it up from a can. Made from scratch, beeyotch!
OK, sorry, I'm a little full of myself in that once again, I have not only proven that I can make it without her (never called her for cooking help once), but that I pull off a marvelous chili recipe (even if the recipe came from a friend). This chili, however, is the first thing of mine she's ever tasted since she left. So now she has confirmation, and if that doesn't shut her up, nothing will.
So yeah, the chili came out really good, and my youngest daughter even took some with her for her lunch tomorrow. Without cheese. So, will I ever make this stuff again. No. That's what I'd like to say. The reality is, yes, I will, but it will probably be when I forget this whole fiasco. Or I get a food chopper that actually chops food instead of pureeing it (what a concept o.o).
The Chili Project, part 1
OK, first off, I'm not much of a cook. I did some cooking when I was younger, then went into the military, after which my cooking skills turned towards screwing up a Thanksgiving turkey and macaroni and cheese turned to soup (and yes, smart ass, I followed the directions). After that, pretty much every woman I was with had some sort of cooking skills that were better than mine, so I was content to let them cook (and no, that wasn't a part of the future-ex-Mrs Sharkboy-job description, it just worked out that way). The reason for letting them do the cooking was not out of some sexist idea that a woman's place is in the kitchen, but out of basic survival (both personal and financial). The latest ex-Mrs. Sharkboy was a damn good cook. I'll miss that.
So, she leaves me to go with Mr-I'd-rather-play-WoW-than-get-a-job, and I'm stuck now having to learn how to cook. Which, really, isn't so bad. When you do the cooking yourself, you have total control over what gets made. So no deep-fried foods (hear that? that's the sound of my arteries hardening just typing this), and no gross stuff like fried clams or liver or other assorted stuff I'm pretty sure we were never meant to eat. So, I'm trying to learn to cook. If I were smart, I'd start small and work my way up to the bigger stuff, but I've never claimed to be smart. "Oh, roast duck with mango salsa, you say? No problem, I'll get right on that". Never mind that I've never had much to do with a duck outside of feeding them bread at a park. Which of course leads me to finding out that cooking shows are full of shit. Those people cook with stuff I'll never have in the kitchen. I'm a guy, which means I improvise. Don't have a hammer? The handle of a screwdriver will work. Need a screwdriver but can't find one? A butter knife! Need to screw that together but lack the screws? Forget about it, duct tape will work. You get the idea.
A friend of mine, however, LOVES to cook. He's always telling me about one thing or another that he's cooking or has cooked. So about a week ago, he tells me about this chili he made. It's almost all I heard about, so eventually, it sinks in: "Hey, I'LL make some chili, that will be a great idea!" Yeah, it ranks up there next to the roast duck. I attempted split pea soup awhile back and while it turned out ok, it wasn't all that great. I know, we're our own worst critics, but I love a good split pea soup, a connoisseur if you will. And trust me, it wasn't that great. But it was edible. So I guess that's something. So, after another bit of talk about how good this chili of his was, I finally break down and ask for the recipe (I'm not so totally stupid as to not have a blueprint I can at least half ass pay attention to). I get it down in Sharkboy-speak, which is to say, I know what it says at the time of writing, but after a good night's sleep, all bets are off. But being the good friend he is, he said he was a phone call away if I needed it. And I did.
So I take the recipe, figure out what I have on hand (which is nothing), and what I'll need to buy at the store (which is everything). I also realize that I don't have all the proper tools, including the pot, thanks to ex-Mrs.Sharkboy. So I'll need to buy that stuff too. Which, I guess, is OK, since I'm sure I'll need it for something else down the line. Get the food stuff at Safeway, the rest at Wal-mart (the latter I hate with a passion). So, here's a few thoughts:
While in Safeway, I see two versions of the same vegetables. One says "Organic" on the labels. What is the difference? Other than price. Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't all vegetables "organic"? If "organic" means "without pesticides", why not just label it "pesticide free", or "bugs will eat this version first"? I'm pretty sure it's a scam on all those tofu eating hippy bastards. Good, I'm all for that. "Make love, not war". Let me tell you something, man boils down to this: "fuck it or kill it". If we can't "make love" to it, we will "make war" on it. I think you can figure out what's needed for world peace. Ladies, feel free to contact me if you'd like to start doing your part towards this.
OK, now for Wal-mart. I hate this store, period. And my local one isn't helping things. These smacktards decide to take a store where you can actually find stuff, and remodel it into a store that you can't find shit, not even an employee to help you. I don't think the employees are lazy so much as I think they're lost along with the customers. Going in there is sort of like the show Lost. Only without polar bears. Or crazy hatches. Or hotties. Ok, maybe not so much like Lost. But it is without a doubt the worse cluster fuck since George W. being elected not once, but twice. I buy the stuff I need, including a Hamilton Beach/Proctor Silex Food Chopper. Sounds good, right? Let me tell you, this didn't chop shit. It pureed it. And yes, smart ass, I used the lowest setting.
You see, when I cut food into chunks, I end up cutting it like a crack-addicted, retarded monkey would, no matter how carefully I try. This is why I need a food chopper. So, I read the book, and is says "for onions, green peppers, etc, cut into one inch chunks". One small problem with this: If I've already taken the time to cut it down that small, why bother with the food chopper? Why not just take a few seconds more and cut them to the size you need. The whole idea behind a food chopper is so that I don't have to chop the food by hand. It's like buying a calculator, but in order to get it to work, you have to do the math by hand.
So, right now, the chili is cooking, and I'm hoping against hope that it's edible. Which will be part 2.
So, she leaves me to go with Mr-I'd-rather-play-WoW-than-get-a-job, and I'm stuck now having to learn how to cook. Which, really, isn't so bad. When you do the cooking yourself, you have total control over what gets made. So no deep-fried foods (hear that? that's the sound of my arteries hardening just typing this), and no gross stuff like fried clams or liver or other assorted stuff I'm pretty sure we were never meant to eat. So, I'm trying to learn to cook. If I were smart, I'd start small and work my way up to the bigger stuff, but I've never claimed to be smart. "Oh, roast duck with mango salsa, you say? No problem, I'll get right on that". Never mind that I've never had much to do with a duck outside of feeding them bread at a park. Which of course leads me to finding out that cooking shows are full of shit. Those people cook with stuff I'll never have in the kitchen. I'm a guy, which means I improvise. Don't have a hammer? The handle of a screwdriver will work. Need a screwdriver but can't find one? A butter knife! Need to screw that together but lack the screws? Forget about it, duct tape will work. You get the idea.
A friend of mine, however, LOVES to cook. He's always telling me about one thing or another that he's cooking or has cooked. So about a week ago, he tells me about this chili he made. It's almost all I heard about, so eventually, it sinks in: "Hey, I'LL make some chili, that will be a great idea!" Yeah, it ranks up there next to the roast duck. I attempted split pea soup awhile back and while it turned out ok, it wasn't all that great. I know, we're our own worst critics, but I love a good split pea soup, a connoisseur if you will. And trust me, it wasn't that great. But it was edible. So I guess that's something. So, after another bit of talk about how good this chili of his was, I finally break down and ask for the recipe (I'm not so totally stupid as to not have a blueprint I can at least half ass pay attention to). I get it down in Sharkboy-speak, which is to say, I know what it says at the time of writing, but after a good night's sleep, all bets are off. But being the good friend he is, he said he was a phone call away if I needed it. And I did.
So I take the recipe, figure out what I have on hand (which is nothing), and what I'll need to buy at the store (which is everything). I also realize that I don't have all the proper tools, including the pot, thanks to ex-Mrs.Sharkboy. So I'll need to buy that stuff too. Which, I guess, is OK, since I'm sure I'll need it for something else down the line. Get the food stuff at Safeway, the rest at Wal-mart (the latter I hate with a passion). So, here's a few thoughts:
While in Safeway, I see two versions of the same vegetables. One says "Organic" on the labels. What is the difference? Other than price. Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't all vegetables "organic"? If "organic" means "without pesticides", why not just label it "pesticide free", or "bugs will eat this version first"? I'm pretty sure it's a scam on all those tofu eating hippy bastards. Good, I'm all for that. "Make love, not war". Let me tell you something, man boils down to this: "fuck it or kill it". If we can't "make love" to it, we will "make war" on it. I think you can figure out what's needed for world peace. Ladies, feel free to contact me if you'd like to start doing your part towards this.
OK, now for Wal-mart. I hate this store, period. And my local one isn't helping things. These smacktards decide to take a store where you can actually find stuff, and remodel it into a store that you can't find shit, not even an employee to help you. I don't think the employees are lazy so much as I think they're lost along with the customers. Going in there is sort of like the show Lost. Only without polar bears. Or crazy hatches. Or hotties. Ok, maybe not so much like Lost. But it is without a doubt the worse cluster fuck since George W. being elected not once, but twice. I buy the stuff I need, including a Hamilton Beach/Proctor Silex Food Chopper. Sounds good, right? Let me tell you, this didn't chop shit. It pureed it. And yes, smart ass, I used the lowest setting.
You see, when I cut food into chunks, I end up cutting it like a crack-addicted, retarded monkey would, no matter how carefully I try. This is why I need a food chopper. So, I read the book, and is says "for onions, green peppers, etc, cut into one inch chunks". One small problem with this: If I've already taken the time to cut it down that small, why bother with the food chopper? Why not just take a few seconds more and cut them to the size you need. The whole idea behind a food chopper is so that I don't have to chop the food by hand. It's like buying a calculator, but in order to get it to work, you have to do the math by hand.
So, right now, the chili is cooking, and I'm hoping against hope that it's edible. Which will be part 2.
Monday, March 5, 2007
My weekend....
was pretty good actually.
Hannie, of Hannie's Musings (see link, side bar), came over after I suggested that we watch The Departed, a movie she didn't see despite it being there at her house at one point, and one that I wanted to see but wasn't sure about (Scorsese...Nicholson...oh yeah!). Ever since Titanic, I've been a bit soured on DiCaprio. I'll say that he's a good actor, but a bit over-exposed. I HATE Titanic with a passion, a 3-hour movie that could have been trimmed to 1 hour 45 minutes and lost none of the story. I could go on, but I'll save it for another blog. Anyway, long story short on this movie: watch it, it's good!
So, she shows up as I'm getting out of the shower (having just finished the second half of a marathon house cleaning session), so the girls meet her first. I hope like hell they don't start grilling her. See, she'll be the first girl I've seen since splitting with the ex, and I really don't need her or any other girl I hang out with getting treated like they are suspects in last nights bank robbery. I tell my oldest daughter not to do such a thing, and she says "Don't worry, Dad, I won't." Apparently, we have differing ideas as to what being "grilled" means. While my oldest is questioning Hannie, my youngest is being rude by staying in her room. When I ask why she didn't introduce herself, she says "You told me not to come out of my room until it was clean", which I did say. However, this would be the first time she actually stayed in her room. If you have kids, you know how it is. Or maybe you don't.
So, after awhile, the kids are off and it's just me and Hannie. Let me tell you a little something about Hannie: she will steal your bandwidth and sleep through your movies. And while this is a true statement, it should also be noted that she was under prescription medication during the visit, so she has an excuse. For the sleeping...just kidding. After the kids left, we went out to a mexican restaurant called Mazatlan. It's the best mexican food in town. Then, we went to the store and then to Starbucks.
A little something about Starbucks. I know I'm from Seattle, and maybe that means I should root for them or something, but I don't. I hate Starbucks. Not just Starbucks, but all coffee places. I always seem to catch some sort of coffee snobbery hell from the people working in these places. How jacked up is it that I catch hell from a girl working her way through community college who's probably never been outside the state, much less to Italy, when I ask for "large" instead of "vente"?
I want a large coffee, is that so much to ask? No, instead, I have to get the damn wording correct. Remember when it used to be "coffee" and "coffee with shit in it"? Now, you can't order "coffee". No, now you have to order a "Cappacino-mochachino-Al Pacino-latte-grande-vente-expresso". Why? And why are these people getting bent out of shape over coffee? Isn't there bigger things that are wrong in the world worth worrying over? But I digress.
So, we go home, her with her peppermint latter and me with a Chai Tea (which is damn tasty, let me tell you), and we start watching movies. Here's the movies:
Clerks 2, The Ringer, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (sounds like a porno, but isn't), Employee of the Month (Dane Cook. YAY! Jessica Simpson and Dax Shephard, ugh! though admittedly, the last two were actually pretty decent), Sin City, and The Departed.
Part way through the Departed, Hannie had to leave due to a storm that was rolling in, but she left saying she had a good time. Although, it's kind of hard to believe your guest had a good time when they're sleeping through most of it. I figure I'll have her over again when she's not medicated, and then see. If she falls asleep then....
Hannie, of Hannie's Musings (see link, side bar), came over after I suggested that we watch The Departed, a movie she didn't see despite it being there at her house at one point, and one that I wanted to see but wasn't sure about (Scorsese...Nicholson...oh yeah!). Ever since Titanic, I've been a bit soured on DiCaprio. I'll say that he's a good actor, but a bit over-exposed. I HATE Titanic with a passion, a 3-hour movie that could have been trimmed to 1 hour 45 minutes and lost none of the story. I could go on, but I'll save it for another blog. Anyway, long story short on this movie: watch it, it's good!
So, she shows up as I'm getting out of the shower (having just finished the second half of a marathon house cleaning session), so the girls meet her first. I hope like hell they don't start grilling her. See, she'll be the first girl I've seen since splitting with the ex, and I really don't need her or any other girl I hang out with getting treated like they are suspects in last nights bank robbery. I tell my oldest daughter not to do such a thing, and she says "Don't worry, Dad, I won't." Apparently, we have differing ideas as to what being "grilled" means. While my oldest is questioning Hannie, my youngest is being rude by staying in her room. When I ask why she didn't introduce herself, she says "You told me not to come out of my room until it was clean", which I did say. However, this would be the first time she actually stayed in her room. If you have kids, you know how it is. Or maybe you don't.
So, after awhile, the kids are off and it's just me and Hannie. Let me tell you a little something about Hannie: she will steal your bandwidth and sleep through your movies. And while this is a true statement, it should also be noted that she was under prescription medication during the visit, so she has an excuse. For the sleeping...just kidding. After the kids left, we went out to a mexican restaurant called Mazatlan. It's the best mexican food in town. Then, we went to the store and then to Starbucks.
A little something about Starbucks. I know I'm from Seattle, and maybe that means I should root for them or something, but I don't. I hate Starbucks. Not just Starbucks, but all coffee places. I always seem to catch some sort of coffee snobbery hell from the people working in these places. How jacked up is it that I catch hell from a girl working her way through community college who's probably never been outside the state, much less to Italy, when I ask for "large" instead of "vente"?
I want a large coffee, is that so much to ask? No, instead, I have to get the damn wording correct. Remember when it used to be "coffee" and "coffee with shit in it"? Now, you can't order "coffee". No, now you have to order a "Cappacino-mochachino-Al Pacino-latte-grande-vente-expresso". Why? And why are these people getting bent out of shape over coffee? Isn't there bigger things that are wrong in the world worth worrying over? But I digress.
So, we go home, her with her peppermint latter and me with a Chai Tea (which is damn tasty, let me tell you), and we start watching movies. Here's the movies:
Clerks 2, The Ringer, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (sounds like a porno, but isn't), Employee of the Month (Dane Cook. YAY! Jessica Simpson and Dax Shephard, ugh! though admittedly, the last two were actually pretty decent), Sin City, and The Departed.
Part way through the Departed, Hannie had to leave due to a storm that was rolling in, but she left saying she had a good time. Although, it's kind of hard to believe your guest had a good time when they're sleeping through most of it. I figure I'll have her over again when she's not medicated, and then see. If she falls asleep then....
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